Please forgive me
by Andrea187
Summary: This is a post-ep of 8x02. It has a time jump, and the way Beckett will realize her mistake of leaving Castle.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Okay, so that episode was the start of something that will hurt like hell, but it will be worth it, I'm telling you. Now, this is my take on how Beckett will realize that leaving wasn't the best way to protect Castle. I may leave it a one-shot, partly because I'm terrible at keeping up with the stories I write. Just needed to get it out of my mind.

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She dreaded the idea of going home, partly because she had no home. Granted, she had a place to stay, but her home was and will always be Castle. It's been four months and every night she had shed a tear or two before going to bed because of what she's doing. It was for Castle, for his safety. Or at least, that's what she kept repeating to herself every time she saw him while consulting on a case. But every time she saw him, it was like a stab to her heart, sometimes so painful it made her question her motives for doing this, and lately her motives were crumbling around her, as she had absolutely no leads on the person behind it all. After four months, she had nothing to go on, other than what she had when she left Castle with that burning smorellette. Was she taking this too far? Should she just stop dragging herself towards the rabbit hole, and just come home to Castle? Well, at least tonight that was not going to happen. She was swamped with paperwork. That was her least favorite part of being captain. The amount of administrative crap she had to comply with was absurd, and sometimes it prevented her from joining the boys (and sometimes Castle) on cases. She was in the middle of a rather dull report on budget, when she got a text. It was from Castle.

"911."

Immediately, she dialed his number, and it went straight to voicemail. Grabbing her badge, gun, and car keys, she walked out of her office. Ryan and Esposito were the only ones at the bullpen.

"Guys something has happened to Castle." She said, and the two detective immediately got up to follow her.

"What's happened?" Ryan asked.

"I don't know but I got a text from Castle's phone reading '911' and..." Beckett got cut off by Esposito and Ryan's radio.

"10-13, alert units close by 425 Broome St." The three of them froze, as they heard Castle's address along with a 'shots fired' call.

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They were the first ones to arrive at Castle's loft, which involved the breaking of quite a few traffic regulations. Almost running they went towards the elevator, which thankfully open immediately. The withdrew their guns and as soon as the elevator doors opened they crossed the aisle to Castle's apartment. The door was opened, and Beckett entered without hesitation, followed by Ryan and Esposito, who start clearing the area.

"Castle?" Beckett called. Nothing. Then she noticed the blood on the floor. She felt as if her soul had left her body. There was a trail of blood that led to the kitchen.

"Clear!" Screamed Esposito from somewhere.

Beckett ran towards the kitchen, where she saw Castle half-conscious, on the floor, and bleeding from his side. There was so much blood.

"Castle!" Beckett yelled and kneeled next to him. "Oh god...oh god...Castle can you hear me?" She gently shook his shoulder, while her other hand applied pressure on the wound on top of Castle's already red hand. "Castle." She called again, and his eyes flickered and barely opened. "Rick stay with me, alright?" Her voice trembled. "Just stay with me, help is already on the way." He opened his mouth, but no sound came.

Ryan and Esposito approached.

"Oh jesus..." Ryan whispered while running his hand through his hair.

"How long 'til the ambulance gets here?" Beckett asked, her voice desperate.

"Two minutes out." Esposito answered as he grabbed the kitchen towel and handed it to Beckett.

"Castle...Rick...I'm sorry." Beckett cried. "I'm so sorry...please don't die on me...please...oh god this is all my fault..." While she kept pressure she looked down and let the tears fall

In that moment the paramedics arrived, took over, and rolled Castle towards the ambulance parked outside. Beckett quickly followed them.

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 **A/N:** Hope you liked it, and please please review!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** So yeah...I will continue this because the story won't leave me alone...thank you so much for the response to this story, I never thought it would be that appealing. That being said, well...there's nothing left for me but to continue this story. Please be patient, as I'm not a consistent writer and while you can get quick updates...it can also take a while. Enjoy!

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The waiting seemed eternal. Much like the hellish ride to the hospital, during which Castle flatlined twice. Now, Beckett, Ryan and Esposito sat in the waiting room in complete silence, all of them praying for Castle to make it. Alexis and Martha were on their way. He had lost considerable amount of blood, and by the time they arrive to the ER, he was hanging by a thread.

In silence, a battle of emotion erupted inside Beckett. She blamed herself for this. How could she have been so stupid, to think that leaving Castle would put him out of danger, when, if anything it put a target behind his back? But even so, that didn't matter tonight. All that mattered was that Castle survived. She couldn't live with herself if Castle died. Truth to be told, she already couldn't live with herself once she found out Castle was attacked.

A phone rang. It was Esposito's, but Beckett barely registered what he was saying. In fact, she wasn't aware of her surroundings at all, the only thing in her mind was Castle. Then, the doors of the waiting room opened and both Alexis and Martha walked in. They immediately sat next to Beckett.

"Katherine." Martha whispered as she held Beckett's hand. That broke the captain out of her trance.

"Martha...I'm so..." Beckett's voice broke and her eyes glistened. "I'm so sorry..." She looked down and closed her eyes.

"I know." The older woman said with a sad smile.

Alexis remained quiet beside Beckett, and she could see that just as her, the only thing in her mind was Castle.

"Alexis..." Beckett started, but was cut off by the doors of the surgical area opening. They all immediately stood up.

"Is he alive?" Alexis demanded. They were all holding their breath.

"Yes..." The doctor answered as all of them sighed in relief. "It was touch and go for a while, but he's incredibly strong and although he's not out of the woods yet I'm confident he'll pull through."

"Oh thank god." Martha breathed. "When can we see him doctor?"

"As soon as he's settled in his room, I'll have a nurse come and get you." The doctor said. "However, I can only allow family only for the time being." With that, he left the room.

Beckett felt as if her legs could no longer hold her weight and practically slumped on the chair. The tension and worry in the air dicipated a little, as they all processed what the doctor had told them. Castle was going to be alright. He was a fighter.

"Martha, do you think you could..." Beckett's voice was shaking both with relief and heartache. "You think you could tell him that..."

"Tell him yourself." Alexis interrupted, and then sat next to Beckett. "Look, I'm not the biggest fan of yours right now, nor I excuse you for what you did to my dad, but we're family." She said strongly. "Family never quits on each other. Yes, you made a mistake, a big one, but you're still married to dad and I won't let you run from us again. We have each other's back. Always."

"I don't deserve you, or him." Beckett said sadly. "I keep hurting him, putting him in the crosshairs."

"Kate, you did the wrong thing for the right reasons." Alexis continued. "But now, you can redeem yourself and be here...where you're needed most."

"Okay..." Beckett conceded. "Okay...uh guys...I need..."

"Don't worry, we got it covered." Ryan said and both detectives left the waiting room, determined to find out who did this to Castle.

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It'd been about 10 hours, and Castle still wasn't awake. The doctors kept telling them that his body needed to rest in order to heal, and so it wasn't cause for alarm. Beckett, Martha and Alexis hadn't left his side since they were allowed to see him. Still, they worried because the person lying on that bed didn't resemble Castle at all, because Castle would never be this still, this pale, so cold to the touch. Beckett knew that she shouldn't be holding his hand after everything she put him through, but she couldn't let go either. She was clinging to him as if somehow she could give a little of her life back to his.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket. Reluctantly she left the room, measuring Alexis with a quick look, that she'll be back shortly. It was an unknown caller.

"Beckett."

"Captain, my name is Sloan." A female voice answered. "I need you to meet me as soon as possible. In about ten minutes you will get an email with an address. Go there at 5pm and go alone."

"Why?" Beckett asked. "What's this about?"

"I can't tell you over the phone but..."

"What's this about?" Beckett repeated sternly.

"I have information that about Rick that interests you." Sloan said calmly but serious. "Please come alone."

"Wait..." But before Beckett could say anything else, the mystery woman hanged up.

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 **A/N:** Thank you for reading, and please please review.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Alright. 3rd installment of this fic, which I have no clue where it'll go, but I do want to set some kind of path of redemption for Beckett...just bare with me though because I'm not going to be consistent on the updates. I'll try though.

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Pain. That's what Castle's mind first registered. He felt heavy, as if he was sinking. Slowly, he opened his eyes and reality hit him. He got shot at his own home. He tried to prevent it, but it happened so fast that barely registered it until he felt the life leaving his body on that kitchen floor. He looked around the small room. His daughter was curled up on the couch, sleeping. He could see the remains of worry on her peaceful face, which made Castle's heart ache for the suffering he had caused. He noticed his mother wasn't there, although her purse was on the table at the end of the bed. But still there was something missing, or rather someone missing. Beckett. He was sure she would show up. After all, even though there were separated, she was still married to him. He thought that it meant something to her, he thought this would make her realize her mistake. But from the looks of it, he was wrong. She valued her quest more than him. Oh well...it was probably time for him to leave the idea that she was gonna come back soon...after all it's been four months. He was looking at his daughter, when the door opened.

It was her. His heart skipped a beat, as soon as their eyes met. She looked tired, but her eyes couldn't hide her relief, and love. That's right, he saw love in her eyes. A little flame of hope inside him light up again.

"You're here." It was the first thing that came out Castle's mouth. She didn't answer, instead she approached the chair next to his bed.

"You texted." Beckett answered lamely. Castle let out a weak chuckle.

"I didn't think I actually send it."

"I'm glad you did." Beckett whispered looking down.

"Me too." Castle said, and took Beckett's hand. They starred at each other for a few moments.

"Rick...I..." Beckett started.

"Look Kate..." Castle interrupted. "I understand what you did, but I can't forgive it, at least not now." He said resolutely. "It doesn't mean I won't still love you, or that I won't fight for us, but what you did..." He sighed.

"I know." Beckett said. "I just wanted to say that you're right. That I'm so very sorry, and that I want to come back, that is if you'll take me back." Castle let out a small smile. "I messed up, and it was my fault all of this happened in the first place...I thought that..." Her voice broke. "I got you shot...I will never forgive myself for that."

"Well...if you really want to start to fix this, you can stay and not run again." Castle suggested, to which Beckett answered by kissing him as more tears run down her eyes.

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It was close to 5pm. Beckett was distracted as one could've expected when your husband is in the hospital, but she had to go back to the precinct and make sure things were running smoothly. But Castle was not the only reason why she was distracted. Her previous conversation with that mysterious woman had kept her wondering whether she should still go, after her conversation with Castle when he woke up. She really didn't want to continue with this ludicrous quest of hers, but what Sloan said...that she had information concerning Castle. What if she could protect him with it? If it came down to it, she was willing to walk away...or at least try. But one thing was for sure; she was not gonna let Castle out of her sight again.

So, she packed her thing, just 30 minutes before 5, and decided to go and meet that Sloan person.

Once she reached her destination, she could almost laugh at the cliche place she found herself in. A parking lot. She waited in her car for a few moments, until she saw a shadowy figure walking up to her car. It was a woman. That had to be Sloan. Beckett got out of the car.

"A parking lot?" The Captain noted. "Very original."

"You can laugh all you want, Captain." Sloan said with a smile, as she walked up to Beckett. "I'm Sloan."

"I figured." Beckett answered, shaking Sloan's hand. "Let's cut to the chase shall we?"

"Sure, after all you have a husband to go back to."

"How do you know Castle?" Beckett asked.

"He's a friend."

"He's never mentioned you."

"It doesn't surprise me really." Sloan admitted. "We're not as close, after some things happened."

"What kind of things?"

"I thought you wanted to cut to the chase." Sloan pointed out.

"You said you have information about Castle?" Beckett inquired.

"A couple of month after Rick's disappearance, he contacted me and asked me to look into it." Sloan answered. "My search came up empty until about four months ago."

"What happened four months ago?"

"I think you know that part." Sloan replied. And off course Beckett knew what happened.

"The redacted memo."

"That's right. My contact told me it was triggered by a search you did on William Bracken during your time at the AG's office."

"Yeah, but what does this have to do with Castle?" Beckett asked.

"Well after Rick told me to look into his disappearance, a friend of mine from London told me that there was a covert operation during the time he was missing, but I ruled it out a coincidence until I saw the memo."

"You're saying..." Beckett couldn't finish the thought, because she knew what was coming she simply didn't want it to be true.

"I'm saying LockSat is the reason why Rick disappear and why he asked to forget."

She couldn't believe what Sloan had just told her. She was just dumbfounded. It couldn't be.

"What proof do you have of this?" Beckett asked in a voice she barely recognized as being hers.

"Captain are you sure you want to pursue this?" Sloan asked cautiously.

"What proof do you have of this?!" Beckett said louder this time.

"LockSat is not just a drug trafficking operation." Sloan replied. "It goes deeper than that. It's not just drugs. It's weapons, assets, persons. It is not just a mole in the CIA, and it's not just about Bracken."

"Who's your contact?" Beckett demanded.

"I can't tell you that. But is solid." Sloan looked at Beckett. "You don't believe me."

"You're not giving me a lot of reasons to believe you."

"I can't give you what I have because it will only put a target behind your back and it will be only a matter of time until they get you, and Rick along with you." Sloan said.

"I can't let this go after what you just told me." Beckett replied. "What evidence do you have that Castle was involved in LockSat?"

"I can't tell you because you'll investigate, and that is the last thing your marriage needs right now."

"You don't have the right or knowledge to say something like that Sloan." Beckett snapped.

"That may be, but Captain..." Sloan replied. "I should've told Rick about this and not you, and the only reason I'm not doing it is because these people already think that he is a threat to them and you're are the only one that can keep this quiet, but more importantly, keep it from him." She took a breath. "He's just a writer." She continued. "He got mixed up in this a year ago against his will. He did everything he could to bury it so that he would be able to come back to his family and you'll be disregarding and dishonoring that decision if you decide to investigate it."

That last statement was probably the only thing that made Beckett see things with a little more clarity. And it was true. She knew Castle must've have his reasons to forget, and she trusted him to know that it was the best decision he could've made. He chose his family, chose her. Now it was her turn to chose him over this.

"I can't keep it from him Sloan." Beckett said after a moment. "Before coming here, I told him that I wanted to fix this, and part of fixing it is telling him about this meeting...and together we will decide how to act on what you just told me."

"Captain..." Sloan said. "Once you tell Rick about this he's not gonna stop. He will be doing exactly what he was trying to prevent...you can't..."

"Keeping secrets from him, almost ended my relationship with him in more than one occasion." Beckett interrupted. "You would think that I would've learned by now, but four months ago I did it again and it wasn't until I got a text from him and then found him bleeding to death on our kitchen floor that I realized that if I kept going on that path, I was gonna end up visiting his headstone instead of his loft the next time." Sloan was about to reply, but Beckett went ahead. "If he wants to pursue this, then I will be by his side, and if he doesn't...well...I'll try my best to do the same until I get more evidence and feel confident enough that is not going to get us killed."

She turned to get in the car again, when Sloan stopped her.

"There's another reason why I decided to tell you this instead of Rick."

"Really? And what's that?" Beckett asked while opening the car door.

"I know what guilt can do to a person." Sloan said looking at the floor. "It's not hard to notice the fact that you feel guilty for what happened last night. I just wanted to let you know that it wasn't entirely because of you."

"Thanks." Beckett said with a small smile, then got into the car and drove away.

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 **A/N:** Hope you liked it. Please review.


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